Caution: JOKES

By Monica
  1. Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
  2. Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
  3. Don’t insult the alligator till after you cross the river.
  4. Nothing’s impossible for those who don’t have to do it.
  5. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
  6. Don’t worry: the answer’s at the back of the book.
  7. We do precision guesswork.
  8. My life has a superb cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
  9. Oh what a tangled web we weave’ – Hair Club for Men.
  10. A penny saved is a government oversight.
  11. Shin – Device for finding furniture in the dark.
  12. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.


  1. Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.
  2. How does a man know he’s really in love? He divorces his wife.
  3. What do mopeds and fat women have in common? Both are fun to ride until your friends see you.
  4. Why cant you trust a woman? They bleed for five days and dont die.
  5. Why is a blow job like chewing a stick of gum? Its tough getting rid of the wad once you’re done.
  6. What do women and beer bottles have in common? They’re both empty from the neck up.Whats the difference between a computer and AMTRAK? A computer crashes less.
  7. Whats the difference between keeping the same job for twenty years and being married for twenty years? After twenty years, the job still sucks!
  8. A redneck screws his sister. After he is done his sister says “Your better than daddy.” The brother replies “I should be Ma taught me how.”
  9. Why are hunters great lovers? They go deep in the bush, shoot more than once, then eat what they shoot.
  10. Why do women fart after they piss? They cant shake it, so they have to blow-dry it.
  11. How can you tell when your wife is having an orgasm? Who cares.
  12. Whats the best thing about screwing a 60 year old woman? She doesnt tell, she wont yell, she wont swell, and shes grateful as hell.
  13. What do condoms and women have in common? Both spend a lot of time in your wallet.
  14. Why are catholic girls quiet during sex? They dont like talking to strangers.
  15. What does an ugly girl put behind her ears to attract a man? Her ankles.
  16. Whats the difference between love and insanity? Insanity lasts forever.
  17. Why is bungee jumping like sex with a whore? If the rubber breaks, you’re SOL.
  18. Whats the meaning of 68? You do me and I’ll owe you one.
  19. How do you know your wife is dead? The sex is the exact same but the dishes keep piling up
  20. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  21. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
  22. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  23. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  24. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  25. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  26. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  27. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
  28. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
  29. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
  30. A woman’s favorite position is CEO.
  31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
  32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  33. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
  34. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1?
  35. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  36. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  37. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
  38. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  39. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
  40. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
  41. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
  42. If At First You Don’t Succeed, Blame Someone Else And SeekCounseling.
  43. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

-Some jokes are from “The dirty joke book” by Mr. K

  1. JGS says:

    Funny stuff